Paranoid and Hating It

As is my wont since I started to take the Silverline to and from work, I walked past the Boston Federal Courthouse today. In the past it had been a scene filled with officers of all types and a line of press and other bystanders. Today it was quiet. As I crossed the street to begin traversing the building, a mini-van pulled up to the last space before the street. It was a van covered in circular icons, and as I drew near I noticed it said 'Catering' on it. As I leaned down to look in the passenger window, a slight flow of paranoia creeping over me, and I saw the driver look at me. He was young, under 20 I'd say, was very thin but not very tall, had dark, curly hair and a slightly dark complection.

What made me move faster, in addition to all the above, was that he was just sitting in the van. It he was a legitimate caterer, he should have been jumping out of the van to do what needed to be done. I moved as fast as my poor knees would let me, fearing to be caught in a blast. If I'd had the presence of mind to remember I brought my camera, I might have even taken pictures or video.

I can safely say I was not caught in a blast, nor has any occurred as of this writing. As I moved away from the scene, the paranoia faded, and the temptation to call 911 waned. Then I got to thinking. Was he perhaps waiting for someone? He did seem a bit nervous when he saw me looking at him, Maybe he was picking someone up using compamy property. If I had acted rashly, things would certainly be different for him. The simple fact is I had no facts and therefore no justification in calling the police. Knowing them, in their own paranoia, made worse by the recent killing of someone who had threatened them, they would have moved in and shot him without provocation.

That's all right for them - well, no it isn't, really, but I understand where they're coming from. But for me, paranoia is a recent thing. I've never been at 'ground zero' of a major event, and the trial of the Boston Marathon Bomber had put me on an edge I really didn't like to be on.

But this is where I work, and I won't let the possibility of being blown up, no matter how remote, stop me from getting paid.

But that doesn't mean I like being paranoid. It's a feeling I really want to get rid of. Right now, though, I have to learn to deal with it. Because if I let it rule my life, then the terrorists win, amiright?

Debilitating Migraine

I went home from work early today with a migraine.

A lot of people think that those that suffer from migraines are faking it or exaggerating the symptoms, so I want ro describe to you what I felt like today and you can make up your own damn mind.

Yes, being easily irritated is a symptom, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I first felt a migraine in 1993 when a co-worker wore too much perfume. I didn't realize at the time what it was except an allergic reaction. So smells can be a trigger for me. Stress can also be a trigger.

Today's migraine was caused by a combination the two, both attributed to the same person, a coworker. I won't say what caused the stress, but wafting cologne in my direction didn't help.

It starts with a feeling of irritation at the slightest provocation. I'd been feeling out of sorts all morning, but that could be caused by a number of things. But after the cologne hit me, the irritation grew, First at the jerk who wore too much, then at the people I was trying to help. And you don't realize that you're irritated until you suddenly snap at someone who is trying to help you. I did that with a co-worker who sent an instant message while I was on a particularly annoying call. Don't get me wrong, even without the migraine building up, I would have found that call annoying, but I would have forgotten about it, even laughed at it under normal circumstances.

But today that wasn't the case. After the call mercifully ended, and before I could reach through the phone to strangle this woman who didn't want to GET OFF MY PHONE, I got another message from the co-worker who said he only wanted to know if it was the same person he had talked to earlier. It wasn't, but that made me realize something was wrong.

I hadn't felt the tell-tale signs of pressure behind my right eye, but I knew I was off-kilter. I sent an email asking to leave early, and only when I was shutting down my system did I start to feel the pressure.

As I started home, the other symptoms of a migrane came forth: sensitivity to light, and noises. That meant the noisy construction site across from where I worked made me feel worse, The sounds of buses and trains made me feel worse, I really wanted to strangle two of the subway musicians that play all the time. AND WHY IS THE TRAIN TAKING SO MUCH TIME TO GET HERE!!!

When the train finally came I forced myself into an empty seat that SOMEONE WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF, OH WHY IS HE DOING THAT!??? and settled in. I covered my sensitive eyes with my 'I Choose Not To Talk' cap, and prayed for no delays. I made it home safely, and began to write this blog. I'm preparing to shut down my computer, put out the lights and curl into a fetal position and try to ignore the sounds of sirens and my neighbors.

It's times like this that I wish I'd get off my butt and find a leathermaker who can make a prototype of my Thinking Cap, something resembling a flying cap with flaps over the ears and eyes that will block out sights and sounds. Someday, but not today. Good night.

Life Goals: Finding where my talents lie

In my 54 years of existence, I have tried to be a lot of different things. As a child I went through being a fireman, a pilot and an astronaut. I envisioned myself going into the military and rising the ranks quickly, because both my father and stepfather were in the Air Force. It couldn't be that hard to rise in ranks quickly? amirite?

Talents: Imaginative, but nothing concrete

As I grew older I found my personality had limits, but my imagination did not. Fantastic goals became more realistic. I found things I was better at than most, specifically languages. I took Spanish and French in Junior High and High School. I had a dream of being a translator for the United Nations. I even planned around that, asking my French teacher what school was best for tht kind of career. She suggested Middlebury, in Vermont.

Talents; Languages, spoken and written

I added Middlebury to my dream colleges of Harvard, Yale and Dartmouth. I wanted Dartmouth because my father went there. But when it came to apply and interview for such colleges, Harvard and Yale said no. Dartmouth interviewed me but ultimately said no. Middlebury was also a no-go. I even applied for the Air Force, and they said no, even though my test scores were reasonably high. That was the most unkind cut, because I was sure my fathers' being in it would help. The Army was interested, but I wanted the Air Force, and said no.

So I wound up going to Florida State University and majoring at the start in French, still that dream of being a translator in the back of my mind. But I was also learning other things that piqued my curiosity. I was told computers were a good future, so I took some computer courses and found that I liked them. This was in 1980 or thereabouts. PC's were still being perfected. I worked with mainframes learning programming. I got to the point where French had less appeal and so I committed myself to Computer Science.

Talents: Programming Mainframes

But Computer Science is not an easy major. I found the programming aspect and the logic of it appealing to my personality. I found the necessary math and science courses to be less appealing, and even downright humbling. I had found something I was not good at for the first time: Linear Algebra and Discrete Math. I had to take Discreet Mathematics 3 times before I got a passing grade. It had devastating results on my GPA, leading to my removal from Florida State.

Something I wasn't good at: Higher Mathematics

But in the meantime, I was looking for work, and found a small computer shop willing to take me on as a contract programmer. On one hand I was thrilled at actually putting what I'd learned to good use, but I was too naive when it came to contracts and ultimately, they took advantage of me and did not pay me what I was worth. It was, however, a good experience.

Talents: Learns quickly. Cons: Not quickly enough to avoid being used.

In the coming years I took jobs that had nothing to do with computers: Clerical work for an insurance company and clerical work for a phone company. During that time, I started to study electronics. It was one of those chain 'colleges' that promised more than they could offer, who told me that student loans would cover everything and I wouldn't have to start paying it back until I'd been out of school 6 months. Being as naive as I was, I bought into it.

Talents: Electronics. Cons: still young and trusting.

The long and short of it was: I was pretty good at electronics, but the training was insufficient to find steady work. Another potential career shot down, and I now had student loans to pay back.

Cons: Poor.

It took me another ten years, working sales, clerical and even at a wild-west theme park before I had my first inkling of the career that to this day I am pursuing: writing. I was in a position of relative comfort, working for another phone company doing clerical work, and doing the job well. I wrote a story for the first time. My imagination started to fire up and show me its potential.

Talents: Writing, working menial tasks. Cons: Can get complacent.

My company paid for my re-entrance into college, where I majored in Broadcast Journalism, another area where I had interest. I was curious about doing that, because I had written that story and I thought it would make a good TV series. So I wanted to see what things were like behind the scenes in Television. But the courses I took were mainly for newscasts. Given my lack on on-screen talent, I tried to change that by taking a course called 'Voice of the Actor.'

Talents: The raw materials are there for acting. Cons: I don't want to use them.

Now before we delve into that, you need to understand that throughout my life I've had trouble talking, whether it was publicly or privately, I could not express myself very well vocally. I speak with a soft voice and I stutter, especially when I'm nervous. But in that course I learned a few techniques that might allow me to perform in front of people: Breathing from the diaphragm, pretending the audience wasn't there and things like that. I performed a couple of soliloquies from 'Inherit the Wind,' one of my favorite plays and movies. I did this in front of the class, and I knew they didn't think much of my performance. It didn't matter to me. The teacher was thrilled to get me out of my shell.

Talents: Speaking softly and carrying nothing. Cons: Can't project with any kind of consistency.

I knew I would never be an actor, voice or otherwise, but the whole series of classes gave me a taste of what it would take to produce a TV series.

Unfortunately, my employer ultimately stopped paying for the classes and I made the decision to keep pursuing the 'dream' and began working part-time at TV stations as part of their news crews. I had no delusions of being a reporter, but I gave serious thought to being a director and producer. I was hired as an Associate Director at one station, where for the first six months of the job I worked the camera, the graphics (CHYRON), the audio, and editing and directing short segments. Then they put me into the morning show and really tried to train me and test my directing skills.

Skills: Behind the scenes during a newscast: Camera, audio, graphics, video editing.

All of the training I had done before did not properly prepare me for the stress of directing a live newscast. The directors I worked with made it look easy. When they put me on the live newscast, I sometimes made mistakes on air. That happens with a certain amount of frequency on most newscasts, but I made a few too many on-air mistakes, including one segment where I pushed a graphic too early in the middle of a pet segment and left the reporter seemingly talking to no one.

That freaked out the producer, and ultimately led to my being let go. Life lessons learned? The producer has the real power.

Talents: fast-thinking, Cons: Hands don't always work with the brain

After that I found work in what was a new field for me: Customer Service via the phone. I want to state unequivocally that I hate talking on the phone. But for some reason, I'm good at it. I have a soft speaking voice, and the techniques learned during that voice class paid off. So began a streak of phone work jobs that continues to this day.

Talents: Good phone voice, good computer skills. Cons: I hate it.

And yet, it's not without stress. In a high call volume call center, the stress of going from one call to another forced me to leave several jobs and vow never to do that sort of work again.

Talents: Workhorse, troubleshooting, critical thinking. Cons: No ability to relieve stress.

But the one thing in my life that has not changed throughout my lifetime is my ability to imagine things. I imagine the future; I contemplate the past and try to rework it for a better ending. I come up with stories and within those stories I can - in my mind - become one of my characters. And those characters have some of my traits, and some traits I don't have. For instance, I let my mind wander into that of a female character who is built, is brainy and can sing her heart out. In those interludes I found a talent I never had before: song writing. Because that character has that talent and she sings the songs and I can actually hear her voice singing those songs.

Talents: Song-Writing, character immersion. Cons: no other musical talent. ie: I'm not dexterous enough to play instruments.

But those moments only come when I can meditate in quiet solitude, or when I can block out everything else in my life. This is a talent that took years to develop. In my youth I could not block out extraeneous events. My brain tried to process everything around me, and I didn't realize this until fairly recently, but I'm empathic, and my brain was on overload.

Talents: Empathic, empathetic. Cons: Brain Overload

So now, when things get too stressful for me, I have the means to push it all aside, delve into my imaginary world and life, and cope with the stress better. Overall, I feel like everything is coming together in my life, to make me happier, and to let people better understand me.

Talents: Ability to cope with stress through meditation. Less naive.

I'm much calmer these days, in a job where I feel my talents are being better used, where I have time to use my imagination to create stories and songs, which I hope someday will lead me to a successful career as an artist.

Life goal: Artist.

Caring: (Love and Affection) or (Love or Affection)

(Begin Tangent)

In my chosen solitary life, I have spent many a minute watching the behavior of different people. And sadly, I have watched a relationship turn from passion to simple affection, to nothing. So today I want to tell you how I feel about love and affection.

If I were to Venn Diagram it, the result would have to be two different graphs. The simple rule is: you can show love for someone without being affectionate about them. Likewise, you can show affection without true love. In other words, 'never the twain shall meet.'

Examples of that might be a fangirl or fanboi at a convention, showing their affection through cosplaying their favorite character. But can you really love a fictional character?

As a writer and a reader, I do find myself infatuated by well-written and developed characters in a book, a TV show or a movie. I can say: 'Ooh, I love so and so in that movie,' but am I referring to the actress, or the role she's playing? Is it lust I feel or something else?

But lust and affection are really on opposite ends of the scale. According to Wikipedia, that scale is love, where affection and lust are considered different types of love.

But I disagree with that distinction. I believe it's possible to have affectionate feelings for someone and not love them. Likewise you can feel love for someone and care about them deeply, but not be affectionate with them. Maybe it's an abusive situation, maybe 'the thrill is gone' from a relationship that used to be about love and affection, but now is just about the love. Maybe even the love is gone, and what are you left with then? Memories.

So what's the difference between love and affection? I think love is an overall feeling for a person, usually a relative, that may or may not be affectionate. Love can be shown by using affectionate methods, like touching, talking, interacting in some way that is pleasant for both parties, because unlike lust, true affection needs to go both ways.

And there's the difference. Love, in the form of infatuation, can be a one-way street, but for affection to work, it has to be mutual. You can show affection for someone or something, but if it's not reciprocated, it loses its meaning. That's called unrequited love.

In the long run, Love, Affection, Lust and Infatuation may increase and decrease, so how does one maintain an emotional balance?

You can't. Not and remain human. If your life is not in constant emotional turmoil for one reason or another, you're no better than a robot. In fact, I've seen some robots that can show more emotion that Mr. Spock. But we're not Vulcans. We're human, and we have to live with it.

(End Tangent)

Potpourri for an Endless Winter

A few notes about the things revolving around my life:

1. The move to Boston has been completed, at least temporarily. I have moved into a room in a house in Roxbury Crossing. The lease ends at the end of August, unfortunately (or fortunately as the case may be) the lease is not renewable. So in August my search for someplace with an on-going lease will commence.

2. I say that this is probably fortunate because the room I'm in is in the basement, and since winter refuses to stop, the basement is cold. I froze while trying to earn enough to pay all the rents (first, last, current) and slept on the floor until just a few days ago, when I bought a lounge chair that I'm using for a bed. I also bought a space heater, so things are warmer and slightly more comfortable than before.

3. I did have an issue with the chair at first, when, after setting it up for the first time, and trying to sit in it, the chair slid on the tile floor and I landed rather hard on my rump. I jarred my back to the point where I felt a burning pain in the middle of it. I was seriously tempted to call for an ambulance, but after carefully sitting in the chair, the burning eased. But then the next morning I had difficulty walking. I did not go to the hospital and eventually the middle back issue stopped being an issue. My lower back, however, is acting up again. The chair is not comfirtable to sit in for long periods of time, and somewhat uncomfortable to lie in overnight. I sometimes wake up to find no feeling in the arm I'm sleeping on. The feeling does come back, but I may still wind up taking the chair back - once I find an alternative to sleeping on the floor.

4.But things are starting to settle down financially and that will help make things more comfortable. I suspect during the hot summer months (they do get hot in Boston, right?) that the room will be the most comfortable in the house.

5. In other news, work is going well. I work as a contract employee, technically for Astadia, but the client is Vertex in Boston. Vertex has 3 buildings near the courthouse in Boston, making things somewhat uncomfortable with the Marathon trial going on next door. But what makes it really worthwhile is their cafeteria. That's not even a fair word to use. It's like an actual restaurant, with high quality food at a reasonable price. Reasonable in Boston means you eat for $10 or less per meal. I tell my co-workers that I'll go broke eating there and still be happy. I still mean that. About going broke and being happy.

6. I've already blogged about the Boston Subway, the MBTA. Things have improved since that blog. I now get to work early every day. The trains run more often and cars aren't quite as jam-packed as before. I could see why Bostonians were so upset if what I'm experiencing now is the norm.

7. Personal health: Other than back problems, the rest of my health is pretty much unchanged. The amount of stairs in the subway stations was killing my knees, so I've found the elevators in short order. The bottom line is: one moment the knees feel fine, the next they either hurt or feel very uncomfortable. The shoulder has not changed a bit in the last 2 years. I still have limited movement and no strength on it. Such is life for me.

8. On the good side, I now have health insurance for the first time since 2009. Maybe I can get some of this stuff taken care of.

9. My writng has been off and on. I don't have a desk at home yet, so I have to lay on the chair with the laptop on my chest and type, just like I'm doing with the blog. It's slow and uncomfortable, but it will get the job done - eventually.

10. I will be seeing my daughter for the first time in 3 years when we both attend Anime Boston. I'm looking forward to both events.

And on that happy note I'll leave you.

Fate, Begone!

I used to think Fate had it in for me, I even started a story in my mind showing Fate as an actual entity. The thing is, people get in my way. It happens everywhere I go. I walk down a seemingly empty hallway, but when I come to a door or a perpendicular corridor, someone is there blocking my way. I'm trying to cross a street that seems not so busy, then 5 cars show up out of nowhere to keep me from crossing.

I kept imagining that Fate had something in store for me, if I just waited a few more seconds. Never was that more clear than the time I was hit by the car. In my dreams I see Fate as benevolent when his 'suggestions' are followed, but cruel when I make up my mind that I'm going to push forward. So in my mind, Fate ordered that girl to run me down.

Violent fantasies aside, the truth is, I have a generally good perception of what and who are around me. I saw that car coming, but was trapped in traffic.

But it's in my nature to avoid contact. So I can see those who barrel through hallways and make the adjustments without thinking to avoid them. I pull back, I stop, I move to avoid a collision. Well, except that one time.

I wonder, though, if this is part of my senses. And often I wonder: Is this a good thing? Yeah, I'm avoiding a collision, possible avoiding a fight over personal space, but there have been missed opportunities when I 'hesitated.' And yes, according to the old adage, I have hesitated and I have lost.

But I have survived.

And you know what? I'm tired of just surviving. I want to explore my new domain in Boston without being forced to play by somebody else's rules. Oh, I'll still be careful and plan things out as best I can, but I'd like to be more spontaneous than before. So, Fate Begone! I am the master of my own destiny.

Silent Winter Wonderland