Fate, Begone!

I used to think Fate had it in for me, I even started a story in my mind showing Fate as an actual entity. The thing is, people get in my way. It happens everywhere I go. I walk down a seemingly empty hallway, but when I come to a door or a perpendicular corridor, someone is there blocking my way. I'm trying to cross a street that seems not so busy, then 5 cars show up out of nowhere to keep me from crossing.

I kept imagining that Fate had something in store for me, if I just waited a few more seconds. Never was that more clear than the time I was hit by the car. In my dreams I see Fate as benevolent when his 'suggestions' are followed, but cruel when I make up my mind that I'm going to push forward. So in my mind, Fate ordered that girl to run me down.

Violent fantasies aside, the truth is, I have a generally good perception of what and who are around me. I saw that car coming, but was trapped in traffic.

But it's in my nature to avoid contact. So I can see those who barrel through hallways and make the adjustments without thinking to avoid them. I pull back, I stop, I move to avoid a collision. Well, except that one time.

I wonder, though, if this is part of my senses. And often I wonder: Is this a good thing? Yeah, I'm avoiding a collision, possible avoiding a fight over personal space, but there have been missed opportunities when I 'hesitated.' And yes, according to the old adage, I have hesitated and I have lost.

But I have survived.

And you know what? I'm tired of just surviving. I want to explore my new domain in Boston without being forced to play by somebody else's rules. Oh, I'll still be careful and plan things out as best I can, but I'd like to be more spontaneous than before. So, Fate Begone! I am the master of my own destiny.

Silent Winter Wonderland

How Was My First Day on the MBTA?

How Was My First Day on the MBTA?

I'm glad you asked. Let me tell you, step by step, how my day went.

1. After having zonked out before the Super Bowl ended, from exhaustion after dragging 1 heavy bag, a computer bag and a laden backpack all over Wakefield, I woke at 5am and prepared for my first day in Boston as a working stiff. Mind you, I had done my research, knew what bus to take and where to catch the subway. I went out into the stinging snow with just my computer case and my winter coat, layered over more clothes.

2. I went out of the motel where I'm staying (God help me it better be temporary) at 6am, knowing it would take me a few minutes to trudge through the snow to where the bus would stop.

3. And waited.

4. And waited. The snow stung, my feet felt frozen and I almost got run over by a snow plow while I waited for the bus. I seriously thought about going back to the motel and working from there, But I wanted to make the commute. Finally a bus came out of the quarter-mile visibilty, but IT was on time. The bus I wanted never came. Cue eerie portents of evil music and echos of frustration.

5. Yet a bus did come and I made it to Oak Grove T station at a point where I knew I would be late, so I called it in. It's a funny thing about subway stations: Any time stairs are involved there is an escalator going up, but not generally one going down. With my gimpy leg, and especially with icy/snow-covered steps, I took one step at a time. I think that cost me missing one train into the city, adding to my delay.

6. Yet into the city I ultimately traveled. I was lucky to have been at the beginning of the Orange Line when I caught the train, because as we traveled toward the city, more and more people got on. Even on a snowy, blustery day, people were willing to make the commute in. The whole train was packed by the time we got to my destination: North Station.

7. From North Station I was supposed to catch a shuttle to the building where I work. I'm grateful they provide the service, but I didn't know where to meet the shuttle, so I called my boss, who promptly told me he didn't have a clue, he always used the shuttle at South Station. He gave me the number of someone in the building, but he only took the South shuttle too. He suggested I ask around. I noticed most people heading in one direction, so I followed them. I found about half a dozen shuttles idling outside. Naturally mine was the last one.

8. The shuttle trip was uneventful, except for the slow pace of it. The driver took it nice and easy going in, and at that point I was just grateful I made it in. I got to work about an hour late.

9. After work, I took the shuttle back to North Station, and waited for the Orange Line train to come.

10. And waited.

11. And waited. I figure I spent more time waiting for trains and buses than actally traveling in them. The sign said the train would arrive in 15 minutes, then 12, then 8, then 2, then 2, then 2, then 2. The train did come eventually, and then they tried to close the doors. Bing Bong. One of the doors didn't close properly, the opened the door and tried to close them again. Bing Bong. Again. Bing Bong.

12. At this point I hear the voice of an old woman rise about the fray, cursing MBTA and accusing the conductor of 'playing with the doors.' She was loud, she was obnoxious. She was swearing so much a sailor would be embarrassed, and this continued for a good 15 minutes until finally, someone gave the ok to ignore the warning. We began to pull out and then the train slammed on the brakes. Old fussypants starts to rant and rave again.

13. Finally, we did pull out, but we were very slow throughout the process. Sparks flew from the top of the rain, and really made me worry something was going to catch fire. I know that sparking is normal, though I don't know why it happens. The lights would go out over and over, setting off the mentally ill woman who I coujld see by now was sitting in a corner with two full shopping carts filled with ????? And in case we couldn't figure it out by then, she shouted that she was homeless and if we didn't like that we could kill her now. She spoke to the air and to her self.

Part of me really felt for her. The formerly homeless part. The other part of me said this is why homeless people have a bad name. Part of me wanted to reach out, but then she started stinking, and I was exhausted and just wanted to go home. At the end of the line, the train went out of service and she demanded one of us help her get her carts out. She didn't want the help of the MBTA, and said we'd all die if we didn't help her. My sympathy only goes so far. If you can't help yourself, and aren't willing to seek the help of those trained to help you, then how am I supposed to help you? I care, but you're making it very difficult, lady.

14. Finally the train took me and Miss Stinkyfussypants to Oak Grove and I got off as quickly as I could, one more leg to go before getting home. So I waited, along with half a dozen others for the bus to take me home.

15. And waited.

16. And waited. Given how many people were waiting, and the nature of subway trains, you'd think MBTA would have buses running more often after 7pm. It makes for a very tiring day to work 8-5 in Boston.

Suffice to say, the last bus came and I am home, warm, dry and ready for bed.

I will find someplace a bit closer in the long run, but until then, I have to play the Mass Transit game.

Yet Another Transition: Boston Bound

When I first started working for Astadia a little over a year ago, I was grateful for having a job. As I became more competent and comfortable with the work, I knew I had made the right decision to go to work there. Not that there was a choice, remain homeless and jobless, vs having a job and a home, however temporary.

Then the news came that the client I worked for had decided not to renew their contract. Doubt entered my mind, old fears of shelters came back. And the shelter in Raleigh had changed. No more Mr. Nice Guys at the shelter, and only two weeks to find a job, if that much.

But the contract wouldn't end until the end of the year, and I had time. The client had chosen another company to provide support and I gave serious thought and considerable effort to getting a job there. It would mean a move to Pennsylvania, but I've never been afraid of moving to start or keep a job.

I did it first when moving from Denver to Omaha while working for US West. I took another chance when I took a job in Lynchburg, VA.That didn't work out as planned. I moved again to Blacksburg, VA to work for Dish Network.

I left that job voluntarily (burned out because of non-stop calls) and spent a few months jobless and homeless in Roanoke. Then came the opportunity to move to Raleigh. I had enough money to take a bus there, stayed in the shelter for a while before I found work with Sento.

I have stayed in Raleigh pretty much the whole time, except for when I was flush with cash from my accident settlement, and took a chance to travel around the country, creating videos that even now get hits on Youtube. But the money ran out, and instead of settling someplace else, I returned to Raleigh, where I was familiar with the lay of the land and the people in it.

So I'm no stranger to moving around. Moving to Pennsylvania made sense. I knew the client, I knew the systems and I could just slip right into the role.

Then I heard about a position with Astadia in Boston. I have to admit Boston appeals to me on so many levels. It's a big city, with professional sports teams in baseball, basketball, football and hockey.  There's probably a soccer team there too.

Boston has a transit system that makes Raleigh look like it's using horses and buggies. It takes me 2 hours to get to work every morning and another 2 to get back home. In Boston, I hope to cut that in half.

And I have family in Massachusetts. It will be nice to see my daughter on a regular basis rather than once every few years. I think that's the biggest draw.

Another draw is the difference in pay. The Pennsylvania job gave me a preliminary offer of $11/hr, plus benefits. I was waiting on a final offer that might have equaled what I was currently making when I got wind that the Boston job was almost a certainty, just waiting for the approvals. I knew I'd make more in Boston, it was just a matter of how much more. Before I even got the Boston offer, I turned down the Pennsylvania offer.

I've spent the last month and a half getting the initial training in Raleigh, working the phones in a familiar setting before I go to Boston and the setting changes. I've looked into finding a place to live, but was waiting on a bonus from Astadia to make a firmer commitment.

I have that bonus. I have made a reservation on Amtrak to start heading to Boston a week from today, arriving a week from Sunday. I still do not have a permanent place to live, but then I've been living out of a motel for the last year, so for me to find someplace similar in the Boston area will be fairly easy.

And so we're back to the transition. I'm looking forward to it more than anything else in my life the last 3 years. Let the leaves fall where they may. I'm ready for change.

I Have a Bad Feeling About This...

I should be happy. I not only have a job, but I got a promotion of sorts that will send me to Boston at the end of January, for more money than I've made my entire life.

I should be happy because I got a little bit of a bonus that will help me move and get a few necessities, like a better computer. Believe me, that's a necessity!

I should be happy because I'll be living close enough to my daughter to see her on some weekends and will be close to baseball, football, basketball and hockey teams that can actually win sometimes.

I should be happy because I'm leaving Raleigh, where I've lived for almost 10 years, and, frankly, I'm sick of it.

But I'm not entirely happy. For the last few weeks a feeling of doom has been hanging over me that has nothing to do with me directly or my change in jobs and location. Some might call it precognition, but I can't specify what it is exactly that I dread, just that SOMETHING is going to happen. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and it makes me lose sleep at night trying to figure it out.

I've had bad feelings before. The day of 9/11, I woke before the planes hit with that same bad feeling, turned on the news to find nothing happening, then went back to bed. I woke a few hours later to the horror, somewhat grateful I didn't have to see it live.

The morning my mother died I heard her voice calling my name and another bad feeling. I didn't hear that she'd died for another 3 days.

I've created characters that have similar traits. I'd consider them to be somewhat autobiographical. I even created a character that knows what's coming in the future and works to prevent it. In an unpublished part of that series, the hero tries to prevent 9/11. He only makes more trouble.

And that's just it. Maybe it's my imagination runneth over. I've tried to imagine my life better than it is, and while things start out great, something always happens to ruin the happiness. Mind you, I never imagined myself homeless before I actually was. But I did imagine myself being hit by a car, with worse results that actually occurred.

So maybe this is just my imagination in need of being emptied, by writing that story down. I don't know.

But I care. I don't want a world war to break out. I don't want a city destroyed by terrorism. I don't want tens of thousands to die. I doubt anyone with real power over events reads my blog, but if by some coincidence you do, please do everything in your power to avoid my imagined catastrophe.

Please make it all in my head and not a reality.

'Hypersensitive'

Hypersensitive

By Michael Harrison Fox

I went to a party just the other day

Went straight to a corner where I could stay

Away from the people and the booming sound

Don’t think of me as strange, I’m just (beat) hypersensitive

Keep away the flashing lights and roaring crowd

They make my body shiver when it gets really loud

I want to cover ears and eyes and slink away

I’m not an animal, I’m just (beat) hypersensitive

(rapid rap)

Now listen to my story and you will see

That a person like me isn’t easy

To get to know because I shun the crowd

And listening to smalltalk makes me shout out loud

‘Get outta my face and please shut up’

But it seems that I am out of luck

‘Cause the voice I make is never heard

Over voices and sirens and I get nerved

By the lights and sounds of everyday life

And what’s normal to you, to me is strife

And makes me want to shut it all out

Crawl back into bed and let out a shout

‘Leave me alone!’

(normal)

I’m not a bad person but it’s hard to see

If the slightest sound and light make me act crazy

Don’t take it as an insult,  just me being me

Just move away slowly ‘cause I’m (beat) hypersensitive

Politics: Same Dance, Different Tune

The votes have been counted and Republicans have taken over the Senate AND the House. Here are my predictions for the next 2 years:

1. Republicans will attempt to repeal 'Obamacare', and I hope against hope that Obama will veto it. I suppose that's more of a wish than a prediction but the alternative would be really strange. Why would Obama let his signature piece of legislation be overturned? Sadly, there are signs he's willing to compromise, and his Health Care Act might suffer. What was the point of the last 6 years again? SMH.

2. The homeless and poor will be ignored or treated badly. It's been a part of being a Republican that if you are not rich, your needs will not be addressed, because it's your own fault. I wonder what Lincoln would make of his party now?

3. The environment will take a hit. Because giving businesses free reign to misuse land, air and sea will create a few jobs. I really fear Fracking will cause more problems that cure them. Better move away from the ocean unless you like living under water.

4. Business deregulation will mean higher bonuses for corporate executives and increased layoffs for front-line workers. It seems odd to me that corporations would pay bonuses with one hand while taking jobs with the other hand, but this is the way corporations act lately. If I were to suggest a piece of corporate legislation, I'd do one where no corporation can give executive bonuses in a year where layoffs occur, and no layoffs are to be done until executive wages are decreased. Just my .02.

5. Jobs will continue to be outsourced, mostly to other countries. It's the thing, now, for corporations to cease hiring front-line workers themselves and instead hire other companies to handle things like customer service and tech support. I fall under the latter of that. In the long run they save money on wages and benefits. It gives them the appearance of having more employees than they do, and of having higher wages, because the staffing company pays the employees, and you know they're paying the least they can. And when things go sour, they can just end the contract and hire a new staffing company. I really think a national strike of all front-line workers is needed to let corporations know just exactly what we do for them. But that's an idea for another blog. ;-)

6. The budget will not be balanced and the deficit will not be reduced. Despite Republican claims of Democrats being 'tax and spend', really, this is how bills get paid. Nothing will change that. Or if they do, the wealthy will be taxed less, and therefore less money will come in, and how can you get a balanced budget if there is no excess?

7. The recovery will falter and everyone will blame Obama, when really, it's corporate America that will be the cause. Because...

8. Obama will cave into all Republican demands, except, hopefully, ObamaCare. It's what he did when he first got elected. It didn't work. It still won't work, but at least Obama can say 'I told you so.' Sadly, America will suffer because Obama's not really an effective leader. There, I said it. His message of hope turned into 'Do whatever you want, I don't care anymore.'

There's a reason so many Republicans went after Democratic incumbents by saying they voted with Obama x% of the time. Yet what do people expect? Have you never heard the term 'along party lines?' It's what both Democrats and Republicans do. I'm amazed that Democratic incumbents let that stand. In an ever increasing hostile political fight they never thought to say, 'everyone does it?'

Because this is how Reps and Senators get their power, by being compliant to their party's leaders, who went through the same dance when they were first elected. Newly elected Senator Thom Tillis from NC is a prime example. he used the 'Kate Hagen voted with Obama 95% (or 96 or 97 depending on the time of day) of the time' schpiel over and over again and says he'll act more independently. BS. The man comes from a powerful position in the NC legislature and he'll want to consolidate whatever power he can and he'll toe the Republican line every time until he's in a position to make the line.

And this is what I hate most about politicians. They are not true representatives of the American people. They are corporate shills, or special interest fodder.

I renew my call for a 'Middle of the Road' party. We are locked into one extreme or another that benefits one side or the other, leaving those in the middle in their philosophies shaking their heads and wondering what can be done.