A Reflection on My Past

All right, my mind is back in writing mood after spending some time questioning my sanity.

I want to reflect a little on my youth and how being INTP made for some misdiagnoses when I was young. This is part of the basis for my 'Shy Boy' script.

I'm told I didn't talk much when I was a baby. Possibly some doctor or another thought I was underdeveloped in my speech patterns. I can remember going to speech therapy, but I don't remember what it was that was discussed. I don't remember the therapy, in other words.

I know I stuttered badly, and at times I still do. I don't think in a stutter, though. I stutter because my mind goes faster than my body. That's just my personal opinion. My mind is way ahead of my ability to say the word. Think of the guy from the old Fed Ex commercials talking a mile a minute. That's my thought process. I still talk relatively fast, and sometimes too fast for my body and mind to be in sync.

I have to feel for my mother, now that I think about it. She had 5 kids to deal with most of whom are extroverts, loud and demanding, and then there's me. I'm quiet, I don't ask for much. I just read by myself, play by myself and don't talk much. This describes me to this day. Why couldn't I be normal so she can ignore me like she did the other kids? I'm joking, for the most part. She was a wonderful cook, cleaner, wiper of noses (and mine needed serious wiping) and caretaker of the sick. But from my point of view, she never sat down and really talked to me. Or if she did I tuned her out and let my mind go on its merry way. Maybe she gave up. I know my stepfather thought I had no personality, because I overheard him one day, when I was around 10 or 11, telling my mother that. That will be part of my script.

Extroverts wear their personalities on their sleeves, there for the taking, and they can't understand why introverts, especially INTP's don't show it. I HAVE a personality. If you read my writing, you'll see that. If you could tune into my brain, you can see it in action. Maybe this is why I can't get this script written down, because it's my personality I'm showing, not some other character's. Yet when I give the personality to another character, like Bobby Timmons, I have no problem showing it.

About being misdiagnosed: I'm sure some doctor or another told my mother I was autistic. I was never given any drugs for that. I was given drugs for all kinds of things, like Bronchitis, or acne when I was older, (damn you tetracycline!) but never anything for that. I'm grateful that my mother was smart enough to know that drugs would not have helped my personality.

When I was in first grade, I had two different teachers. The first one was named Mrs. Zwerblia or something like that. She was mean, vicious and liked to take me into the coat room and give me the paddle when I wasn't paying attention. I was miserable. My mother went to the school, and got me into another class, with Mrs. White. She was an angel, and I made it through first grade thanks to her patience.

Back then, and even today to a certain degree, people and teachers don't know how to react to an INTP child. 'Why isn't he more outgoing? Why doesn't he pay attention in class? Why doesn't he get along well with others?' I'm sure my mother asked these questions and I know the teachers did.

There's no point to this blog. I'm just in a reflective mood and needed to vent. If you are introverted or INTP and wonder if there are others out there like you, yes, there are. INTPcentral.com is a good place to start finding them.

Thanks, as always, for reading!

You’ve Been Running Through My Mind

There’s an old, bad pickup line which goes something like: “You must be exhausted. You’ve been running through my mind all day.” What follows is an example of what has been running through my mind in say, the last 24 hours. Any wonder I’m exhausted?

Writing projects: I have stories that I like to test by going through the entire story in my mind before committing it to the computer. It helps me to determine if the story has a future or not. Some of those projects that I think about every day include:
   
    The Timmons Chronicles - Like the story itself, the writing process for this book/TV series has taken many turns. I have written 11 episodes in script form, and after reviewing what I deemed to be good episodes, I have determined that I have revealed too much too fast. The pace is staggering. So I’m in the process of rewriting the series, starting slowly and trying to be like ‘Lost’ in that the most astounding elements of the plot will be revealed slowly, through flashbacks. Status: Rewrite!

    The Adventures of Mistress Chloe - This story has been running through my mind for years, it seems. I’ve only just started to commit it to the computer. It’s about an old soul that goes from body to body, and somehow retains its memories from life to life. I’m into year 4000 now. Amazing  how many lifetimes I can conjure up in such a short time. Status: Ongoing.

    New Rome - This is a book/movie project I’ve also been thinking about this for a long time, but have committed very little to computer. It’s about a Roman officer, the first Renaissance Man, a man of many talents and ambitions, who gets exiled and put on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic, somehow makes it to the New World, and then goes about teaching his new-found Native American friends all about Rome and the evil it will bring when it comes. The project is ambitious because it will span many generations. Mostly it’s on hold because of the research involved, not only of Roman times, but of Native American languages and culture.  Status: On hold for research.

    Working From Homeless - This story actually led to my creating Project Five-Star. Semi-autobiographical, it takes a look at how shelter life can drive a man to attempt suicide. Status: Ongoing.

    The Shy Boy - Also semi-autobiographical, this story is based on events from my youth where three girls teased me to no end by chanting ‘Shy Boy! Shy Boy.’ If it goes as planned, the boy in the movie creates an imaginary friend: Wile. E. Coyote.  I was a big Roadrunner fan at the time. Status: Still in the thinking process.

Programming projects: Some of you may not realize it, but I have some education and skills in programming. I’ve thought about writing iPhone apps, but mostly I think about World of Warcraft Add-ons like this:

    OneofTen: This add-on/external program is a tool to aid multi-boxers in managing their characters. If you don’t know what that means, look at my youtube page. I use someone else’s add-on and external program to help me out there, but they really don’t do what I want them to do. So I’m learning how to program in both Java (Netbeans) and Lua, which is the scripting language used by Warcraft for its add-ons. The idea is to be able to control two or more characters from one screen, and my ultimate fantasy is to be able to do a 10-man raid by myself. It’s a fantasy because I’d need to buy 9 more versions of the game, and pay $15/month for each account in order to make it work, not to mention have either one blazingly fast computer or 3 or more very fast computers networked together. I have two computers, neither of which is fast in the least, and one of those is unavailable at the moment. Yet I will work on this project for my own future benefit and maybe to make some money on someday. Status: Ongoing.

Of course, my ultimate project is Project Five-Star, which I am reminded of every time someone does something stupid in the shelter. In other words, half my day is spent thinking about that. I’ve been thinking in the last day that I want to record the song: ‘The Job’s Not Done’ and try to get some sales generated for it. The words to the song appear at the beginning of my book, and also on my Facebook page. I’m currently trying to enlist a volunteer band which includes a lead singer, bass guitar, keyboard and drummer, because while I may be able to write, I can’t sing or play an instrument in the least. So if you know of any bands out there willing to record for free, I’d be willing to share profits! I’m also going to start putting together some of the video I’ve managed to record at the shelter (Hush, hush!) and record other things that I will post on Project Five-Star’s own you tube page. I’m doing what my limited social skills allow me to do to promote the project. I really need a staff!

And somewhere in my daily process, I find time to apply for jobs. I do not apply for any and every job out there. I apply for jobs where I have the skills, and where I know I’ll be comfortable. That by itself is not an easy process. Which is why I’m concentrating on either Project Five-Star, or selling my own works in order to make money.

I’ve got so much going through my mind that I find it difficult to concentrate on any one project for any length of time. If I had money I’d hire a personal assistant who would cook and clean for me, prod me to stop playing Warcraft or Civilization V and write or program or fund-raise and prod me to exercise (not necessarily in that order). Any volunteers? And can I stay with you? I’d share profits from any sales I made! Really I will!

So now you see what I think about on a daily basis. A lot of people may wonder ‘What do you do all day and why aren’t you working?’ Well, I am working. I’m not getting paid to do it, but I’m still putting in as much time every day doing the things I do as you do in your normal job. Probably more, because my thought process doesn’t end until I fall asleep at night, and even then, it’s a struggle, because my brain won’t let me! I still have things to think about!