Thursday, April 1, 2010

Life: It sucks

At this moment I'm giving serious thought to walking away from everything that my life is right now, and hiking the Appalachian Trail until I either keel over, finish and sell my script, or until I find myself.
Something's gotta give. I can't keep living like this. (This is a life?)
I've done stupid things before. I've walked away before. I've never found myself in the process. This time I won't come back until I do.
I'm getting a digital voice recorder, a digital camera, a backpack, sleeping bag and tent, a decent pair of hiking boots and some clothing that won't disintegrate the first time I'm out there, and I'm going to just walk out, maybe catch a bus to the trail and then see what happens.
I chose the trail because there are camp sites and shelters all along it, because there is water to be found. Because it's a challenge for someone like me.
I'll check in sparingly, upload the pictures and any journal entries I might want to post, and send my voice recordings to my friend, who can transcribe the script I'll be dictating as well as anything else.
I'm serious about this.
You're asking why? Why now?
For me I feel time is running out. I feel if I don't find myself soon I'll never do it. Is that a good thing or a bad thing, not knowing yourself? I honestly am not sure what kind of person I am.
Am I really a customer service agent? I ask myself that a lot. I get annoyed sometimes with customers, I hate hate hate talking, as I believe I've mentioned here before. Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life?
And if not, what can I do? I can write, but selling that writing takes skills I don't really have.
What else can I do? I took computer science courses in college, but that was 30 years ago (when they used to have a show), and many of the skills I learned there have become out of date. I recently downloaded Java in an attempt to learn that. My, but that's complicated. Not that I can't learn it, but it will be a long process. C, another programming language is just as complicated.
I've had some experience creating web sites, but most employers want you to have access to particular software, and I don't, because it's expensive. Creating web sites manually is practically unheard of nowadays. because they are difficult to maintain.
I suppose I have other skills, but not many people get paid for playing Warcraft, ;-). And I could work minimum wage jobs, but that won't pay the most basic bills and who wants to scrape by? What kind of life is that? This is basically the kind of life I've been living for years. It stops. Soon(TM).
But let's get back to discovering who I am...
Am I a deadbeat who runs away when the slightest problem occurs? I don't think so, I've been fighting financial problems since losing my job in August. Am I a lethargic game junkie who can't even step out of his apartment any more? Well, if that's true it won't be much longer. I'm giving up the games during this search.
Am I a loser of a writer who can't concentrate on a project long enough to finish it, who is easily distracted? I doubt that, I did manage to finish two books, and get them published.
Anyway, I know the risks. It's a dangerous world out there and I might get eaten by a bear. (Kudos if you get the reference.)
My life is going nowhere at the moment, and my body is slowly deteriorating, not that hiking is the best way to stop that (or the worst), but it will give me time to think.
And in the end, I think I'll be a better person.